Tuesday, January 18, 2011


I just became super irritated.

I was browsing around on my computer and noticed that someone left up a website called dearblankpleaseblank.com. Naturally I started scrolling through it because it seemed pretty interesting. I started laughing and smiling at it so it caught the attention of my 8 year old niece sitting next me to me. She was suppose to be writing a story for a school project but she started sneaking and was reading the page. I didn't see it personally but she started reading something out loud. I heard her saying "Is gay marriage okay?" then didn't even hesitate for a single second before she exclaimed "EW! No it's not okay, that's nasty."

I immediately did a head desk and simply said "I don't think it's nasty." She looked at me with raised eyebrows and her "Are you insane?" look.

So I have to ask, when is it appropriate to explain to a kid the facts of life? I'm not a gay/lesbian person and neither is anyone in our family but I don't think that we should just go on ignoring intolerance. It's a difficult thing to teach someone when she's also being brought up with a religious background. How am I going to be able to teach her that there is nothing wrong or nasty about people who are in the LGBT community while not interrupting her beliefs in God.

It's so frustration having so many contradictions in life. I would be nearly ashamed to have a member of my family be intolerant of anyone for something they can't help, but how do I teach them to accept people as they are. Isn't God suppose to be forgiving? Shouldn't we be telling the children in our lives not to judge?

I just don't know anymore.

Help? Answers? Advice?


Tuesday, January 11, 2011


Today I wrote a letter.

I started it off the only way possible - "I'm writing what will be my final letter to you." For three years I had been writing these letters in my times of desperation and complete loss of control. It had been a long time since I put my pen to the paper and wrote to him. Longer than I had even realized.

It started again this morning when I finally found some motivation to clean up the basement. I started shuffling through drawers and found a blank, unsealed envelope. Inside it were all of my letters. Three years worth of problems and heartache. I started reading through them for the first time and to say it was a difficult task would be an understatement. I spent two hours sitting on the floor of my basement reliving my life until I noticed that the letters stopped in August of 2009. That was the exact moment when it became clear to me that I never needed to write the them in the first place. It had just become habitual, part of my routine. When my dad passed away in September of 2009, I never thought about the letters again. Not until today.

In those two hours I learned so much about myself, about the real me. I was raw and honest. I didn't hold any of it back, not the judgments, arrogance, pain, addictions. I let it all out in those letters and on September 19, 2009 - I completely morphed into the person who was narrating them. I am that girl, as much as it killed me to finally own up to it. I am the judgmental, arrogant, forever in pain girl. The only difference now is that I can handle it. I've learned to roll with the punches and kick aside the rocks that life throws in my path. I no longer need to write letters to someone who is long gone to release my demons. I never should have had to.

So I picked up a pen and a pad of paper and I wrote "I'm writing what will be my final letter to you."

It will be, because I am okay.