Monday, August 1, 2011

I've recently started feeling like I'm allowed to be happy again.
I was happy again. For the first time in two years, I let myself be happy.

But I think I need to develop some kind of device that zaps the shit out of me when I can't figure out how to shut my mouth.

God, writers must be the most miserable human beings in existence.


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

That's Not All.

"What are we doing here?"
"What am I doing here?"

I've recently found myself asking those two questions over and over. What is my purpose for this world? I entered Year 22 positive that it would be my best year yet. So far, I've been lucky. I've shed my old skin and grew something thicker, tougher - new. In a few days I'm going to be closing out this chapter and starting a whole different one. I'm scared but more than that I'm excited. For over a year I let myself do exactly what my favorite quote said not to do: I got lost int he past.

I spent many days thinking that I've moved on and I was living my life, but really I was just smothering icing over a burnt cake. I was still badly burnt on the inside, regardless of what my outside was saying.

I want to move past this, I want to find the future.
I don't know what's in store for me, or what my purpose is. I don't know what anyones purpose is, but I want to find out.

I'm going to close this chapter, for the time being anyway. I know that there will be times where I will want to look back and read through the old pages. That's just my nature, I don't ever want to forget where I've been or what I went through.

I just want to start writing something knew.

...and that's all she wrote.

Thursday, March 24, 2011



I've been feeling increasingly uninspired lately. I don't know what 2011 did to me, but I feel stripped of all creative ability. I don't even feel as thought I've been dressing myself lately. I walk down the street and see little (less attractive) clones of myself. Everything is the same, everything is boring the life right out of me. I don't know where to begin to make myself alive again. I wish someone could give me plot points and I could just connect the dots to create the picture of my life. Once it's outlined I could fill in the colors. I just don't have it in me to do it all alone.

Where are you plot points? Where are you hiding.
Come home to me soon.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


I just became super irritated.

I was browsing around on my computer and noticed that someone left up a website called Naturally I started scrolling through it because it seemed pretty interesting. I started laughing and smiling at it so it caught the attention of my 8 year old niece sitting next me to me. She was suppose to be writing a story for a school project but she started sneaking and was reading the page. I didn't see it personally but she started reading something out loud. I heard her saying "Is gay marriage okay?" then didn't even hesitate for a single second before she exclaimed "EW! No it's not okay, that's nasty."

I immediately did a head desk and simply said "I don't think it's nasty." She looked at me with raised eyebrows and her "Are you insane?" look.

So I have to ask, when is it appropriate to explain to a kid the facts of life? I'm not a gay/lesbian person and neither is anyone in our family but I don't think that we should just go on ignoring intolerance. It's a difficult thing to teach someone when she's also being brought up with a religious background. How am I going to be able to teach her that there is nothing wrong or nasty about people who are in the LGBT community while not interrupting her beliefs in God.

It's so frustration having so many contradictions in life. I would be nearly ashamed to have a member of my family be intolerant of anyone for something they can't help, but how do I teach them to accept people as they are. Isn't God suppose to be forgiving? Shouldn't we be telling the children in our lives not to judge?

I just don't know anymore.

Help? Answers? Advice?


Tuesday, January 11, 2011


Today I wrote a letter.

I started it off the only way possible - "I'm writing what will be my final letter to you." For three years I had been writing these letters in my times of desperation and complete loss of control. It had been a long time since I put my pen to the paper and wrote to him. Longer than I had even realized.

It started again this morning when I finally found some motivation to clean up the basement. I started shuffling through drawers and found a blank, unsealed envelope. Inside it were all of my letters. Three years worth of problems and heartache. I started reading through them for the first time and to say it was a difficult task would be an understatement. I spent two hours sitting on the floor of my basement reliving my life until I noticed that the letters stopped in August of 2009. That was the exact moment when it became clear to me that I never needed to write the them in the first place. It had just become habitual, part of my routine. When my dad passed away in September of 2009, I never thought about the letters again. Not until today.

In those two hours I learned so much about myself, about the real me. I was raw and honest. I didn't hold any of it back, not the judgments, arrogance, pain, addictions. I let it all out in those letters and on September 19, 2009 - I completely morphed into the person who was narrating them. I am that girl, as much as it killed me to finally own up to it. I am the judgmental, arrogant, forever in pain girl. The only difference now is that I can handle it. I've learned to roll with the punches and kick aside the rocks that life throws in my path. I no longer need to write letters to someone who is long gone to release my demons. I never should have had to.

So I picked up a pen and a pad of paper and I wrote "I'm writing what will be my final letter to you."

It will be, because I am okay.


Thursday, October 7, 2010

A Long October

I'm uh, feeling a lot today.

It sort of feels like my entire being is being engulfed by death.
Yesterday I wrote about Ali's death. After that I learned of the death of Burning Dan. I don't know a lot about the circumstances so I won't comment, but I thought that was absolutely devastating, after all - he was going to be my future brother in law ;). Then just before bed I learned that two old friends and school mates were in a horrific car accident. Bren died "instantly" and Travis is still in critical condition. It's all really mind boggling to me, trying to understand why this is all happening - if there is even a reason for it. I am honestly at the point where I realize someone has died, mourn about it for a small while and brush it away. If I sat around grieving everyone that I've loved who passed on I would never be able to go on with my life. People die around me ALL the time. It's just the circle of my life. I know people die every day, but this is just a little ridiculous.

But then I have to circle back around to "died instantly." What does that even mean? Instantly? How do they know it was just an instant? Who is to say what an instant is anyway? How can someone just be gone in that small period of time? How do we know they didn't feel anything, and is that really fair that they didn't even get to see their life flash before their eyes? To think about their childhood, their parents, their friends that one last time? That's life though, isn't it? It's never fair - we were all made equally but we have to work to stay that way. We don't have to work to die, but we do have to work to stay alive. It's not a game. It's life and it's death.

But after all, to the well organized mind - death is but the next great adventure.

It's time to get organized.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


I should be painting the ceiling.

But I'm not.

I have so much on my mind today, that I don't even know where to start. So I'm just going to dive in.

Saturday - Holly and I were on our way back from a baby shower when she said out of no where "I need to call Shelly, I'll invite her over for soup tomorrow or something." Shelly is one of Holly's oldest closest friends. They're the type of friends who can go months without talking and then pick up right where they left off. So she calls Shelly, and they talk the entire hour home, and then some. Once they hang up Holly announces that she is going to head over to Shelly's house to catch up.

So she goes over there, and they talk about everything - specifically Shelly's 19 year old daughter Ali and the struggles she's been going through. Ali had just spent 90 days in a rehabilitation center, turning her life around. Holly stayed there until about 2am and then came home.

Sunday morning - She recounted a lot of their discussions with me. Of course Holly and I could sympathize, we went through the same thing with our brother.

Monday morning - I wake up to a text from Holly asking me if I'm still up. When she finally rolled out of bed she told me that she just couldn't sleep and she had no idea why. Holly went to work, and I set about getting my day organized.

Monday 12 noon - Holly called me: Hysteria in her voice, yelled my name and when I answered "Yeah?" she uttered three little words that have weighed on me ever since.

"Ali is gone."

She had a relapse and it cost her her life. It cost Shelly her daughter.

This is a girl who I've know since she was 10 - and now she's gone because she just didn't have the strength to fight her demons. It all just makes me realize that I need to thank someone. I don't even know who I should be thanking but someone deserves all the love in the world for giving my brother the strength to fight a battle that he had been losing for years. I'm thankful that I don't have to sit up at night and wonder where he's at in Detroit - if he's hungry - if he's alive.

I am so sad for the loss of Ali, but it woke me up that I need to be so thankful that I still have my brother. I've seen him go through things that no 15 year old should ever have to see, but he made it through.

So whoever I need to thank - from my entire being - THANK YOU.

Ali - You can finally be free, you can stop struggling, you can smile again. Spread your wings and fly beautiful girl.

There have been some other things going on also that I've been ignoring because I don't really understand why they're happening or what I can do to fix it. I'm a very confused, and semi lost person these last few weeks.

I can only pray that I get it together soon.

Until next time...