Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I Just Wanna Live

Here we are, day 27. I've already explored my Great Perhaps, or part of it anyway. Luckily I didn't have my Alexander Graham Bell moment yet, at least I don't think that I have. Wouldn't it be horrible if I just woke up one day and realized my Alexander Graham Bell moment was something really stupid and anti-climatic? Would if that was just it for my life?

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I really need to start going to the doctors and taking care of myself. I was laying in bed the other night thinking about how in a blog I read, someone wrote that Jimmy Sullivan aka The Rev from Avenged Sevenfold always said he wouldn't live past 30, and how it ended up being true because The Rev died December 28th. Now I've never been one to say such things because I don't want to be morbid or anything. But when I thought about Jimmy always saying that it made me realize that I have never once in my life imagined myself past about 26. Put this on top of the fact that my sister recently had a dream that she saw mine and our other sister Holly's ghost. In the dream I looked like I did now, and Holly looked old. I obviously know this was just a dream but all of those things mixed together gave me a serious freak out moment. I can not imagine just not existing, not being alive. It makes me wish that I had complete faith, so death wasn't something that terrified me. I don't want to be scared of dying, but I am. I'm definitely not one of those strong people who always say the thought of dying doesn't scare them. It is TERRIFYING.

So, because I'm a hypochondriac who never goes to the doctor I've decided I need to change my ways. I don't want to be scared all the time anymore. I want to know that I will live past 26, I want to imagine my kids and my family farther in the future than six years. I'll probably always be a hypochondriac but I will be a hypochondriac who annoys the shit out of my doctor.

I'm not Marilyn Monroe, and I'm not Jimmy Sullivan. I refuse to live fast and die young. I am going to have an abundance of years to find my Alexander Graham Bell moment, and it's going to be amazing. Just wait...


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