Friday, January 22, 2010

Letter #6 - Twilight

Dear Twilight,

I generally am a lover of franchises. I love to see books get turned into movies, and I love to watch as something good reaches millions. I sometimes even like it when an unrealistic love story takes place.

You are an exception. I do not love your unrealistic love story, or your bad book to movie adaptations. I gave you a fair chance and started reading the books when I heard that Robert Pattinson was going to be playing Edward Cullen. To be quite honest I was kind of impressed with the first book (though I was picturing Chase Crawford as Edward the entire time.) When I got my hands on the second book is when it started to go all down hill. While I love Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner anyone?) and Bella's relationship with him, I couldn't help but wish it would soon be over. Her obsession and NEED for Edward made me kind of sick. Are you really teaching girls that it is okay to DEPEND on someone to survive? Bella is so helpless and needy and we really shouldn't be showing girls to accept that kind of behavior. They should know that it's GREAT to be strong and independent.

So, when I moved on to Eclipse I was again, bored to tears. So much that I honestly can't even remember anything about it to mention, besides maybe the tent scene. I think I only remember that because Lautner was talking about being excited to shoot that scene. All that really shows is that it's okay to take your boyfriends jealously. So we move on to the fourth book, which is basically early marriage, blood, sex, and unfortunately no booze. We also have the little part where Bella is turned into a little vampire, and that tiny thing about Jacob falling in love with Edward and Bella's INFANT daughter. WHAT?THE?FUCK???????

Is that for real? WHY are people actually accepting this? It is completely WACKO that this seems to be okay with everyone in the entire world. I have not heard one single peep about this being completely and utterly screwed up. So, apparently Twilight, you have made pedophilia socially acceptable. Congratulations!

Okay, let's backtrack now. Along with being the most ridiculous vampire story around, contributing to pedophiles, and having terrible writing styles, you STILL thought it would be a TERRIFIC idea to have HORRIBLE movies made after you? REALLY?

Not only does the screen play, acting, and directing suck but YOU RUINED ROBERT PATTINSON!!!!!!!!!!! I blame his weirdness on YOU Twilight. I remember back in the good days when he was a small time actor in terrific indie movies (Little Ashes ladies and gents?!!) Now if I ever want to see him act again, I have to watch him as a sexy idiotic heart throb or a constipated, culturally confused vampire in love with a stoned Kristen Stewart. Damn it!!

So now that I have explained my various reasons as to why I hate your stinking guts, all that I ask is that you quickly fade away, tell Stephanie Meyer to never write a book EVER again, and give me my Robert Pattinson back! Is that so much to ask?

It is? I figured that much.

With Annoyance,

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