Monday, July 5, 2010

In Our Wheels

I've thought a lot today. Mostly because I had all the time in the world to do nothing but think.

One year ago yesterday was the last time my entire family was together. Everyone made it out to Dad's house and Kim made a monstrous meal. Unfortunately that was also the same day that Kim would leave her house forever. She started feeling horrible and went into the hospital. She stayed in there for the next 17 days and then passed away. I'm still not even sure how or why. I was completely taken off guard and I don't think it's something that I ever really let myself deal with. It was only almost two months to the day that my dad passed away too. I've spent so much time grieving over my loss of him that only now did I realize I never let myself grieve over Kimmy. She was there for me always, and I've just tucked her away.

It's not fair, but I know that life goes that way sometimes. I have so much grief that I just keep tucking away. I live my days on repeat and walk around like a zombie, ignoring people when they want to talk about their own feelings. I remember a time when I was the listener, the go to girl. Now I'm always just turning the other cheek on everyone's problems, including my own.

I've realized all of that today, and though I don't know if I'm quite ready to change my rotations and let myself feel everything that I will have to feel in due time, at least now I know. I am well of aware of the hurt that I'm hiding and I will cope with it, I just need to find a path. I've watched my family and friends cope with the loss of my dad and Kim and I know that their ways are not for me. Some of their ways are even unhealthy, but I suppose you could say that about any coping method.

I'm not sure. I'll find my way back.
I haven't been gone very long but it feels like a lifetime.


"And all day it seems we've been in between a past and future town. We are nowhere and it's now."

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