Wednesday, May 19, 2010


I feel like an ass.

Yesterday was my mom's birthday, and while I acknowledged it in my life (tweeted about it, and mentioned it to a few family members) I didn't blog about it. Which when I realized it today, I thought was pretty weird. Every year, before I even had this blog, I would make some kind of a blog type post about her on her birthday, and this year I just didn't even think about it.

So I feel like an asshole. I don't know what it is but this year her birthday wasn't really something that effected me. I think that I always felt sad about it because I knew that I should. But truthfully, as much as I know she was a fantastic woman, I didn't actually know her. I don't have a single memory in my brain about her, so it's hard to go on missing someone you never really even knew. I think it's also different this year because I am so preoccupied missing my dad. I knew him, inside and out and I miss him constantly. So I think my issue this year is that I was busy missing someone who was real to me.

I know that my mom was a real person, and that she did real things, and she birthed real people. But usually to me, she is just a fantasy. I've never known what it was like to have a mother, so I can't really miss having one.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate everything that she did. I wouldn't be here if she was a selfish woman. She knew that to give birth to me would mean to risk her own life. But she did it anyway. I have a deep love for her, and I wish more than the world that I would have had a chance to know her. But I can't miss her the way that I am missing my dad every minute of every day, and that seems a little unfair.

But that's life isn't it? If anyone knows the unfairness of it, it's me. I do know that so many people have it so much worse than me though, and that's why I'm not going to let it bring me down. Sure, I still get sad sometimes and find myself asking "why?" but at least I got to know and love one of my parents. Some people don't get to know either of them.

That's just life, and it's passing us by every day. There isn't time to sit around and think about how unfair it is.

Carpe Diam.

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