Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Shut Down

SPOILER ALERT: Don't read this if you haven't seen or read "Dear John" and you plan on doing so.

I - am - on - edge.

Sooner or later I am going to have to seek out a shrink. The tiniest little things are making me snap. Earlier I was talking to someone and they mentioned someone else's name in passing and I literally flipped a lid. Then I started walking the dog and she kept pulling away from me and it was making me uncharacteristically pissed off so I took her home, let her off her leash and she ran after another dog. That's when I lost it and made her go to her room and slammed the door. After a while I realized I felt badly about it and let her out. Still though, cuckoo!

I'm going to blame it on the weather. There wasn't sun shining through my window this morning when I woke up like it had been the previous four days. Then it started to rain on and off, and I'm just not okay with it. It kind of made me realize that SAD (Seasonal affective disorder) is most definitely a real thing, and it has most definitely been affecting me. I came to this conclusion last night as I was reading the end of "Dear John." He comes home from leave to find his dad on the couch, soiling himself and unable to move. It got to me because this is exactly how we found our dad. It hurt to read the specific details of my life like that, even though they were not really mine. Once I was finished I laid there for a while thinking about my feelings about my dad's death. I was devastated, of course. He was my dad, the only parent that I'd ever know. Sometimes though, I felt like I didn't react the way I thought I would. I picked myself up, I didn't cry about it more than once a week, and I moved on with my life. Until it got cold. Once the season changed from fall to winter I thought about him more, I slept more. Actually I slept way more than I should have. I didn't want to do anything but sleep. I would wake up to get Autumn on the bus and NEED to go right back to bed. When I was awake I was emotional and crabby. Then, last week when the weather started changing and I would wake up to the sun peeking through my windows, I felt refreshed and happy. Now here we are today and it's fucking cloudy and raining and not very warm, and I am pissed off again.

It's a vicious circle - topped with the fact that in the 10 minutes since I paused my blog writing, I got shut down. I might be over the edge. I'm done today.


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