Monday, March 29, 2010

Second Guess

It's not even 2pm yet and today has been weird as hell.

I was woken up in the strangest way you could imagine. I'm not going to put it out there because it might be a little personal for everyone to know about. Let me tell you though, it was a little scary and a lot bizarre. I'm kind of second guessing a lot of the decisions we've made as a family in the last six months and I think my sister might be too. I was pretty confident for the longest time that we did everything right, even if all the decisions were not by the books. Now I have all these worries and doubts that I fucked it all up. I just want someone, need someone to tell me that we were right so I can stop feeling guilty.

The more I think about it though, the more I think that I'm probably a bottler. I think I'm one of those people who just bottles things up and doesn't think about them until the bottle just explodes and I have to. Waking up this morning with my sister standing over my bed with panicked, confused eyes made my bottle explode. I've done nothing but think about the things she said and wonder. I've NEVER second guessed myself before this and I hate it because I can NOT stop thinking about it. The wheels in my head have not stopped moving for even a second in six hours. I need to talk to someone about it, but I know it makes most people feel uncomfortable. Even in my family Angie would cry, Ollie and Tony would be def mutes, and I think Holly is just scared. Joe would listen, if he would talk to me. I know he would get it, and he would have something obnoxiously right to say about it too.

That's another thing that's been bugging me, the fact that Joe lives four hours away, never calls me, and every time he's in town he'll visit everyone but me. I don't get it, and I don't know what I did. I know that a part of him thinks I hate him. We're more different than two people could be. We've been in more fights, and cussed each other out more than any two people I know. He just doesn't get that I always worry about him, and because of my worry and distrust in him we simply can't get along or really even see eye to eye. I hate it. But even after all the fights and stuff he never avoided me like this, and I still felt a closeness to him. The last time I saw him was probably November. He was in town staying at Angie's and I had to go bang her door down to get him to see him. I just don't get him. I love him so much, and it kills me to think that six months ago any fragment of a bond we had was broken. It makes me so sad and disappointed. I think someone else would be disappointed too.

It just bugs me, it's all bugging me and making me feel helpless.

Call me crazy but I AM going to figure this out, and I think I only have 20 days. April 19th, exactly seven months since the beginning of the end.


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