I've made mistakes, and I feel responsible. I spend my days wondering, and questioning myself. With some things I know I did it wrong, but occasionally I get the notion that somethings I inadvertently did right. It's odd thinking back about different situations, the things that were easy and should have been logical I always fucked up. The hard decisions, the ones that I didn't want to think about, always seemed like they were wrong - at first. Immediately after the decision was made, I always felt overwhelmingly wrong but the more time that passed, the more right it turned out.
I heard somewhere a couple weeks ago that before a person dies, the universe closes things out for them. Sometimes they lose their job, or something close to them. There is different situations, but the more I sat and pondered this idea, the more I believed it. The only problem with that is the more I believed it, the more I regretted my decisions of the last two years. Was it the universe pushing me away? Or was it selfishness?
I always thought I was a selfless person but now I know the truth. I think back to the day I moved away, and how less than a year later the universe started closing. I could have stayed, but I wasn't selfless, and even though no one actually asked me to stay, I could see it in their eyes, and I knew what they wanted. It wasn't the universe working in mysterious ways, I was selfish.
I am still selfish, because today I forgave myself. But I am also selfless because if I didn't forgive myself, I would never be able to give back to the world. The Universe would have swallowed me whole.
"And I came upon a doctor who appeared in quite poor health. I said "there is nothing that I can do for you that you can't do for yourself." He said "Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help." So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt. He said, "I think I'm cured. In fact, I'm sure. Thank you stranger, for your therapeutic smile."" -Bowl of Oranges, Bright Eyes
Everyone is alone, but it doesn't have to be that way. Forgive yourself no matter how sever your mistakes were. It is the only way to move on.